The Bible Stories Your Pastor Doesn’t Want You to Read

As a small, yet important preface, I must say that I was once a flourishing Christian. Taught Sunday school, did vacation bible schools and their high school equivalents.  I was a member of the church in every sense of the world.  Choir, teaching flag football, ministering to children and at times trying to find a place that made sense for me.

In the midst of all this, I started reading through the Old Testament.  I knew the Jesus, the God of the New Testament, but who was the God of the Israelites? The God of the Flood?  The God of controversy.  Part of me was excited to find out some new things about the cosmic being to which I was offering my words and actions to, and yet there was the other part that was extremely terrified of what I might uncover.

So Ahab sent word throughout all Israel and assembled the prophets on Mount Carmel. 21 Elijah went before the people and said, “How long will you waver between two opinions? If the Lord is God, follow him; but if Baal is God, follow him.”

But the people said nothing.

22 Then Elijah said to them, “I am the only one of the Lord’s prophets left, but Baal has four hundred and fifty prophets. 23 Get two bulls for us. Let Baal’s prophets choose one for themselves, and let them cut it into pieces and put it on the wood but not set fire to it. I will prepare the other bull and put it on the wood but not set fire to it. 24 Then you call on the name of your god, and I will call on the name of the Lord. The god who answers by fire—he is God.”

Then all the people said, “What you say is good.”

25 Elijah said to the prophets of Baal, “Choose one of the bulls and prepare it first, since there are so many of you. Call on the name of your god, but do not light the fire.” 26 So they took the bull given them and prepared it.

Then they called on the name of Baal from morning till noon. “Baal, answer us!” they shouted. But there was no response; no one answered. And they danced around the altar they had made.

27 At noon Elijah began to taunt them. “Shout louder!” he said. “Surely he is a god! Perhaps he is deep in thought, or busy, or traveling. Maybe he is sleeping and must be awakened.” 28 So they shouted louder and slashed themselves with swords and spears, as was their custom, until their blood flowed. 29 Midday passed, and they continued their frantic prophesying until the time for the evening sacrifice. But there was no response, no one answered, no one paid attention.

30 Then Elijah said to all the people, “Come here to me.” They came to him, and he repaired the altar of the Lord, which had been torn down.31 Elijah took twelve stones, one for each of the tribes descended from Jacob, to whom the word of the Lord had come, saying, “Your name shall be Israel.” 32 With the stones he built an altar in the name of the Lord, and he dug a trench around it large enough to hold two seahs[a] of seed.33 He arranged the wood, cut the bull into pieces and laid it on the wood. Then he said to them, “Fill four large jars with water and pour it on the offering and on the wood.”

34 “Do it again,” he said, and they did it again.

“Do it a third time,” he ordered, and they did it the third time. 35 The water ran down around the altar and even filled the trench.

36 At the time of sacrifice, the prophet Elijah stepped forward and prayed: “Lord, the God of Abraham, Isaac and Israel, let it be knowntoday that you are God in Israel and that I am your servant and have done all these things at your command. 37 Answer me, Lord, answer me, so these people will know that you, Lord, are God, and that you are turning their hearts back again.”

38 Then the fire of the Lord fell and burned up the sacrifice, the wood, the stones and the soil, and also licked up the water in the trench.

39 When all the people saw this, they fell prostrate and cried, “The Lord—he is God! The Lord—he is God!”

40 Then Elijah commanded them, “Seize the prophets of Baal. Don’t let anyone get away!” They seized them, and Elijah had them brought down to the Kishon Valley and slaughtered there.

If you read through that, then you’ll be either laughing or crying, there is no middle ground.  Elijah won in a clear-cut battle between Baal and our God.  Pastors stop at verse 39.  Verse 40 is, “Then Elijah commanded them, “Seize the prophets of Baal.  Don’t let anyone get away!” They seized them, and Elijah had them brought down to the Kishon Valley and slaughtered there.”

That’s hardcore.  Not only do you win and shame your enemy, but now you must herd them to a separate location and then not just execute them, but slaughter them!  That last part is too iffy to make it into sermons, but it’s an important part of God and his prophets.  Mercy is to be shown not for your enemies, but for the downtrodden and weak.

Elishah And The Bears

 

For our next story, Elishah is Elijah’s son and traveling from town to town to make a name for himself as a traveling prophet.  His path was waylaid due to some unruly children.  Take a look.

Elisha Is Jeered

23 From there Elisha went up to Bethel. As he was walking along the road, some boys came out of the town and jeered at him. “Get out of here, baldy!” they said. “Get out of here, baldy!” 24 He turned around, looked at them and called down a curse on them in the name of the Lord. Then two bears came out of the woods and mauled forty-two of the boys.

Short and sweet, isn’t it?  Maulings are always succinct, I’ve heard.  These children were just being children.  Taunting, laughing, picking apart the flaws of adults.  That’s what we do, right?  Well, Elishah said he’d had enough.  He asked for two beast ass bears to handily dispatch forty-two children.  Even in comparison with the mass shootings that have occurred in the last year.  I think Elishah’s is the most cold-blooded.  That’s really saying something too.  Petty, petty prophet.

 

The Golden Calf

Everyone who has any biblical knowledge knows about the golden calf incident.  Moses is up on mount Sinai talking to Him and Moses’ brother Aaron starts a merry bad of reluctant hedonists.  Sounds just so common, when put that way.  So here’s what happened:

 

Then the Lord said to Moses, “Go down, because your people, whom you brought up out of Egypt, have become corrupt. They have been quick to turn away from what I commanded them and have made themselves an idol cast in the shape of a calf. They have bowed down to it and sacrificed to it and have said, ‘These are your gods, Israel, who brought you up out of Egypt.’

“I have seen these people,” the Lord said to Moses, “and they are a stiff-necked people. 10 Now leave me alone so that my anger may burn against them and that I may destroy them. Then I will make you into a great nation.”

11 But Moses sought the favor of the Lord his God. “Lord,” he said, “why should your anger burn against your people, whom you brought out of Egypt with great power and a mighty hand? 12 Why should the Egyptians say, ‘It was with evil intent that he brought them out, to kill them in the mountains and to wipe them off the face of the earth’? Turn from your fierce anger; relent and do not bring disaster on your people.13 Remember your servants Abraham, Isaac and Israel, to whom you swore by your own self: ‘I will make your descendants as numerous as the stars in the sky and I will give your descendants all this land I promised them, and it will be their inheritance forever.’” 14 Then the Lordrelented and did not bring on his people the disaster he had threatened.

15 Moses turned and went down the mountain with the two tablets of the covenant law in his hands. They were inscribed on both sides, front and back. 16 The tablets were the work of God; the writing was the writing of God, engraved on the tablets.

17 When Joshua heard the noise of the people shouting, he said to Moses, “There is the sound of war in the camp.”

18 Moses replied:

“It is not the sound of victory,
    it is not the sound of defeat;
    it is the sound of singing that I hear.”

19 When Moses approached the camp and saw the calf and the dancing,his anger burned and he threw the tablets out of his hands, breaking them to pieces at the foot of the mountain. 20 And he took the calf the people had made and burned it in the fire; then he ground it to powder,scattered it on the water and made the Israelites drink it.

21 He said to Aaron, “What did these people do to you, that you led them into such great sin?”

22 “Do not be angry, my lord,” Aaron answered. “You know how prone these people are to evil. 23 They said to me, ‘Make us gods who will go before us. As for this fellow Moses who brought us up out of Egypt, we don’t know what has happened to him.’ 24 So I told them, ‘Whoever has any gold jewelry, take it off.’ Then they gave me the gold, and I threw it into the fire, and out came this calf!”

25 Moses saw that the people were running wild and that Aaron had let them get out of control and so become a laughingstock to their enemies.26 So he stood at the entrance to the camp and said, “Whoever is for the Lord, come to me.” And all the Levites rallied to him.

27 Then he said to them, “This is what the Lord, the God of Israel, says: ‘Each man strap a sword to his side. Go back and forth through the camp from one end to the other, each killing his brother and friend and neighbor.’” 28 The Levites did as Moses commanded, and that day about three thousand of the people died. 29 Then Moses said, “You have been set apart to the Lord today, for you were against your own sons and brothers, and he has blessed you this day.”

30 The next day Moses said to the people, “You have committed a great sin. But now I will go up to the Lord; perhaps I can make atonement for your sin.”

31 So Moses went back to the Lord and said, “Oh, what a great sin these people have committed! They have made themselves gods of gold. 32 But now, please forgive their sin—but if not, then blot me out of the bookyou have written.”

33 The Lord replied to Moses, “Whoever has sinned against me I will blot out of my book. 34 Now go, lead the people to the place I spoke of, and my angel will go before you. However, when the time comes for me to punish, I will punish them for their sin.”

35 And the Lord struck the people with a plague because of what they did with the calf Aaron had made.

Shameful Biblical Treachery

Moses went up there with pure thoughts.  He wanted to find out the will of GOD, but what happened was his own flesh and blood brother betrayed him and all of his ideals.  In Verse 9, that’s God wanting to destroy humanity.  Humanity!  Pressing the reset button on your N64 has never been so easy.  It was Moses himself that talked the all-high God out of his psychopathic path.

Only….some should die.  Definitely some, though, right?  Now gather ye around ye Levites.  Kill your mother, your brother, your children in the name of the LORD and you will be rewarded.  This experiment has gotten so far fucked up that we need a reset button.  Good luck!

Even after the Levites killed three thousand in one night, and the blessing of the Lord was upon them, God was intent to reward everyone with a plague in remembrance of Aaron’s golden calf.

These are just a few of the wild and crazy stories that every God-fearing Christian should take into account.  If this particular deity were still to be in existence, would He just your life as nothing more than idol after idol?

 

More stories to come.  Be sure of it.

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